Welcome to the People’s Republic of America
Welcome to the new People’s Republic of America, the latest satellite nation of the People’s Republic of China, complete with its own supreme leader, Chairman Joe. With the last national election (the fairest, most honest, and most accurate in history) we have advanced beyond the divisive two-party system to a one-party state. This will be more efficient, since people will no longer need to decide who to vote for.
Furthermore, the Ministry of Truth media network will now remove the necessity for the people to know anything at all about the candidates, or waste precious time debating issues; since they will all be told what to think and what to say. Other, unauthorized media outlets will no longer spread the unhealthy opinions of the political right: its lies and disinformation that confuse the people and threaten the unity of the State.
Papa Joe and the Party will see to it that everyone’s time is better employed in this new extension of the workers’ paradise. The problem of unemployment that has plagued our country will be solved by instituting universal employment. The elderly will receive for their years of service a generous pension, sufficient to buy a loaf of bread every week and a bottle of whiskey; if they can find any to buy.
Medical care will be the same for all who cannot afford to bribe the hospital staff.
Every thing in the People’s Republic is owned by the people; which means free housing, free education, free transportation, free medical care, and free recreation. Therefore, the people have little need for money. Excessive wages would only tempt them to engage in the many vices that flourished under Capitalism.
The inequality of pay between men and women is a thing of the past. Now every worker will receive the same reasonable wages. The pernicious discrimination against those who work with their hands in favor of so-called “professionals” will no longer be tolerated. In a democratic state, there can be no room for any discrimination: there must be complete equality. Of course this rule cannot be applied to the political class, (who, due to their responsibilities and their exhausting labor of love in caring for the workers) require and deserve greater compensation.
The Party is pledged to guarantee the free exercise of religion and freedom of atheist propaganda. All religions will be treated the same, without any discrimination between them. Special locations will be set aside for their residence, where they will be able to live in harmonious communities as they joyfully share in the labor required for the maintenance of the ACP and the State. Medical services beyond any available in the old America will now be provided in these communities. Organ donations will be strongly encouraged; so that there will be no shortage when someone needs a transplant.
The measures required for efficient population control have been known for many years; but no one has ever had the courage and political will to implement them. But now, with our brave Leader at the helm, these and other measures to prevent over-population will be taken, including the termination of inexpedient pregnancies, the culling of young, and the easing of misery – for the terminally ill, and those who have a poor quality of life. The population will incidentally be further controlled by the liberal use of capital punishments.
There are some perverse and violent criminals who will, for reasons that cannot be fathomed, resist the wholesome changes introduced by the Party. These rebellious swine are not entitled to the protection of the laws which are designed for the peace and order of society. Nevertheless the state will always respect their humanity, and will treat them as comrades who have gone astray. Whenever they are found, they are taken to hospitals, which have resources and expertise to treat the criminally insane, the unsocialized, the mis-educated, and other rightists. Only those who – despite the best efforts of their caregivers – cannot be cured, will be permanantly prevented from reentering the society for which they are unfit.
Welcome, Comrade Zhi! We are sure that everything will be found to your liking.